This piece teeters between hilarious and utterly depressing, but the writing itself is brilliant. Also, point 7-c-i is perfect.
1. One week after graduating, you’ll apply to your first job outside of academia and be asked to come in for an interview. The company will offer a respectable starter salary, ample benefits, and opportunities for growth.
a. When you ask what the company does, the interviewer will show you a mission statement, vision statement, and value statement. He’ll tell you that they offer clients value-based services that enhance start-up viability by objectively extending catalysts for granular opportunities.
i. “Oh,” you’ll say. “I’m all about that.”
b. You’ll nail the interview with a peppering of humorous anecdotes and an insightful commentary regarding French post-structural theorist Jacques Derrida and the transhumanism of Japan’s hikikomori culture.
i. The interviewer, wiping tears of joy from his flushed cheeks, will waive the follow-up interviews and ask you to start the following day.
c. When you come to work the next day, your secretary will…
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